The black beast

Writing a blog post is a first for me! A host of themes jostle in my head. Maybe I should go softer, at the same time there is only one subject that is clear in my head right now: anxiety.

This pet peeve that held me for a long time until I healed myself. This pet peeve that also left when I finally graduated and finally had a professional title. As if this realization had erased the previous years of me questioning and ruminating on the past.

From the moment I had my first child, I told myself that I would never again wait to be too far away if ever anxiety decided to reappear. I just couldn't, kids are the priority now! I knew the symptoms, I was on the lookout and I was even proud to have gone through several ordeals over the years with my head above water without too much damage.

Then comes the Christmas lockdown. The school at home to manage through my company. We work hard on the difficulties of each of the children, in particular the oldest who develops anxiety and who is gradually dying out with the sanitary measures imposed at school. I knew and I said that I would not mentally survive another episode of homeschooling. 

Then comes spring. The last round of school at home got the better of my oldest, she who before loved school and now doesn't want to know anything and lets herself go. Our little ray of sunshine is no more… It tears me apart because I understand so much how she can feel inside. Especially since at her age she cannot put her feelings into words easily, she tells us that she does not feel good inside but does not understand further. We give all our energy to the children without ever having any rest, we try to take their worries away from them because at their age, children shouldn't have any worries. But the reality is that we too are on a tightrope.

Finally, I come across an article that talks about parental burnout 😳 I didn't even know it was possible but that pretty much sums up how I feel! Especially since with the last year that we spent it was almost inevitable. I try to let go, the end of the school year is finally coming, grandma takes the oldest from time to time which helps us a lot! And that gives them a little boost to continue...

I think continuously, like a quest for acceptance to move forward because if there's at least something I've learned, it's that ruminating on the past is useless. I come to realize that finally I had never really stopped having anxiety all these years. Bad slap in the face! Well to different degrees we get along, but that little beast settles in slyly.

I had only made a shell, like on autopilot. My boyfriend who tells me a few times that I'm cold, like an empty shell. But yet I love them with all my heart and I would give my life for them. Thinking about it, yes it is true that I am cold, often. Not on days when it's going well, I'm still able to laugh again. But the difficult days when a stressful event happens put me at zero for the days that follow. Meanwhile, I'm like in a bubble trying to move forward but everything is spinning too fast around me: I look empty and cold. Emotionally I'm not there and I'm drained of energy 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The beauty of it is that now I know exactly what triggers this "cold bubble" state. For the future, I give myself the right to refuse events that I know will trigger it, because I have to be there for my family, especially our very anxious one. 

Maybe it's running away and not facing reality. Maybe it will only be for a while or longer who knows! But what I do know is that I will put my energy with the right people who care about us (and me) to succeed in taming this pet peeve, once again  ❤️

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